Whew, I’m sure you already saw the title and were wondering what this is again. Lol, me too, but I couldn’t ignore the nudge that God wanted me to write about this today, especially with the title. And the unexpected way the inspiration for today’s post came to me told me it needed to be written. 

With that said, welcome to Day 5. It’s five days into it, and I still can’t believe it. God really set me up with this challenge because I can already see where it is going. But beyond that, it’s the quiet release I feel in my spirit and in my soul. Writing this has been therapeutic for me. I needed this; I didn’t even know how much. 

Back to my title, can you really forgive God? Isn’t that heresy? It’s not really in the phrase itself, but in the action we have to take. Have you ever kept a grudge against God? I have, and I’ll share why shortly. Before I get to that, it’s to explain what I mean by keeping a grudge with God. Many of us do it even if we have never acknowledged it either to ourselves or to God himself. 

Let’s back it up with a little bit of definition. According to the dictionary, a grudge is a persistent feeling of resentment, bitterness, or ill will toward someone for a past offense or perceived wrong. Holding a grudge means you continuously harbor these negative feelings or refuse to forgive the person long after the initial event occurred.

Does it bring it home now? A long-standing promise that God gave you but hasn’t come to pass, a loss of a loved one that shook you to your core, a life-threatening health situation that has left you thinking: Does God truly heal, or are they just some made-up stories of you losing everything and having to start all over again?

These things happen to us, and no one ever tells us how to process it, but then, because we’re Christians and we don’t want to sound like we’ve backslidden, we either share with closed friends or even with God. So we suck up and continue to “worship and serve” God. But do we really suck it up? What I have found is that, if not addressed, our worship and service to God become like a veneer. In everyday language, “veneer” describes a pleasant outer layer that conceals something less desirable underneath. E.g “He maintained a veneer of calm, but he was actually panicking.”

You can already see where I’m going with this. On the outside, even to ourselves, it looks like all is well with us and with our relationship with God. We minister to others, we preach the word, we sow our seed, we go to church, and we do our devotion. But underneath, deep down, is a trail of disappointment, of hurt, of thinking I really don’t want to trust God again because He keeps disappointing me, or God’s word is just there; it doesn’t really come to pass. 

And for some of us, we continue with this, year or year, silently building resentment that we didn’t even know we were building, because we never got the outlet or permitted ourselves to express it. 

What we don’t know is that God can actually take what we dish out to Him. Trust me, He is waiting for you to say, “God, I don’t really think you’re answering my prayers; this hurts,” or to ask the question as I did: “Why did my dad die? Why couldn’t you heal him?” 

I didn’t know I was holding a grudge against God until the war broke out. And I discovered that I still had a gripe with God. I had lost my dad in 2020, and before that, he was diagnosed with stage 4 rectal cancer in 2019. You can already imagine the emotional turmoil. But what aggravated that resentment that I didn’t know was that because my dad passed just a day before they announced the lockdown, it meant that I couldn’t go for his burial, and I had to watch him get buried over a WhatsApp video call. To top that up, the last time I physically saw him or any of my family was in July 2015, the only time I went home.

You can already paint for yourself the picture of what must have been going on in my mind. I had to mourn my dad alone. While I went back to my regular activities after a few weeks, nothing was the same anymore. And I didn’t even know it, because I didn’t take the time to express this to God; it was silently building up. The COVID year didn’t even help matters. But on the surface I was good—remember the veneer: I was a leader in church, I was going about my business; I was doing my “devotion,” but something was off, and I didn’t know.

Fast-forward to February 2022, when I thought, Ok, life can start again, and then a war comes, and I find myself displaced. And I’m God; why are you doing this to me? Have I not gone through enough? How can you watch these things happen? Why didn’t you stop them? On and on, these thoughts would play out in my head. On the outside I was seen as “strong,” but I was drowning. 

My biggest blessing in coming to Germany was the time I finally had to properly heal. The reason why God said Germany and not anywhere else I had family was because He knew I needed the come-to-Jesus moment. You remember that in my previous post that I started my German language in Feb 2023. While I moved places a few times until I finally settled, there was a lot of time on my hands. The isolation I was very angry about eventually became my haven. I had time to cry, I had time to rant, I had time to reflect, I had time to actually express my disappointment, I finally had time to come face-to-face with the grudge I was carrying and release it to him. The beautiful part about it was that God was waiting; He was ready for me. God was so generous with His word that I have a journal full of scriptures that came to me as I finally let down my guard. I finished that phase, and He said, “Now write about it,” and that’s how the story of Rebirth came to be.

I could finally say, even though I may not always understand what shaking will come. My trust in God will never go away. And I say this not out of religiosity but out of an experiential revelation. And not because things won’t come that can sometimes knock the life out of me. I’ve had a few of those. In fact, God was like As long as you’re here on earth, expect a few more shakings. But what has changed is that I no longer have to carry the burden alone. I can say to Him exactly how I feel without being afraid that I am committing an erroneous sin. I can fall into His ever-ready arms, knowing that He has me, even when I don’t fully understand what is happening. I will continue to trust that all things will always work together for my good, even when it can look at the beginning like hell is brewing and sending its arsenals.

It’s the reason why God asked me to do the forty-day soul fast book by Dr Cindy Trimm the moment June looked like it was after my life. And I really look forward to what I will uncover.

So my dearly beloved, consider this not only a love letter from God, but also an invitation to hand over the hurt to Him. Don’t worry about you wondering if you will hurt His feelings or if he will be disappointed in you for feeling this way. He can take it. Our patriarch, David, is an example. Every time I read Psalms, I can see the depths of his heart. He didn’t hide anything from God. Job didn’t curse God, but that didn’t stop him from asking questions. Jesus, our ultimate mentor, our Savior, showed His humanity when He cried on that cross, asking why God had forsaken Him. God wasn’t angry that a whole Jesus would say that.

So if Jesus can air his feelings, why can’t we? Why shouldn’t we? It’s the how that is important to God. Not ranting on social media or speaking badly about God. But going back to Him who is the author of our lives. So it’s ok to forgive, God. He understands.

I’ll leave you with God’s love note from Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me, and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me, and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Love and Light

See you tomorrow